I think I've finally solved the great alien cover-up conspiracy.

Supposedly, this thing started not long after World War II. A strange craft was said to have crashed in Roswell, New Mexico, and eyewitnesses swear that bodies were removed from the crash site which WEREN'T HUMAN!!

The debris and bodies were taken to a nearby Air Force base, and eventually transferred to the mysterious Area 51 (Groom Lake Facility) in Nevada.

Although the UFO talk continues unabated from 1947 up to the present, the phenomenon reached its zenith with the 1996 film "Independence Day". In that movie, the good guys save the day by using an alien space ship that just happens to be stored at Area 51. Not far from the ship are a couple of dead aliens, pickled in formaldehyde.

OK. Here's what we have so far: A crash, debris, bodies, a cover-up, and a secret test facility in the middle of nowhere. Now for the explanation, which reveals a fiendishly clever plan.

What if tests of super high-tech aircraft are being carried out at Area 51? The problem would be how to maintain secrecy. The answer, of course, is to hide in plain sight!!

That's right. Outfit the craft with human-looking, highly detailed "alien" crash test dummies. Should a problem occur aboard a manned vehicle, the pilot ejects. The ship goes down. If unmanned, the plane simply will crash. Should this occur outside the secure boundaries of Area 51, civilians could discover the crash site before the proper authorities can get there.

If this happens, information is leaked that humanoid "bodies" were pulled off the craft. Result: perfect deniability. It's not one of ours, it's one of "theirs."

Thus, the public gets all fired up about aliens, and doesn't consider that the UFO--which it truly is, since no one can identify the top-secret aircraft--could actually be a military test vehicle. A veil of secrecy is created thanks to a gullible public. Classic misdirection!

The rest of the plan is just good ol' smoke and mirrors. They promulgate the patented alien look: humanoid with a big head and big eyes. Then, they get in league with profiteers, who produce such nonsense as the "Alien Autopsy" video.

"Alien Autopsy" is a black and white film, with all production design carefully set up to look like 1947. The narrator solemnly intones such lines as "Your proof that this is real is that the time code of a movie cannot be faked!" Assuming that this statement is true, all that would prove is that you are watching a genuine movie. So what?

It could still be (and is) a genuine movie faking an alien autopsy. When shown on TV, the film is replete with a mosaic placed right over the alien's genital area--pelvically located, of course.

Why such a secret autopsy would be filmed in the first place is not revealed.

Now the alien hysteria takes on a life of its own. Various crackpots will go off on a bender, and return a week later saying that they were abducted by aliens. All of the abduction stories are strikingly similar, including lurid details of sexual probing by the randy ET's. It's as if the storytellers realize that their fantastic story has to sound like everyone else's to be credible. Not surprisingly, one of the unlikely heros of "Independence Day" claims that he too was abducted by aliens.

While all the country is searching for aliens, the government can test its highest tech machines without fear of exposure.

As Walt Kelly may have said: The conspiracy is us!!