If the Federal Trade Commission has its way, old Joe Camel will be leaving the public eye for good. But this story could still have a happy ending.

Certainly, we feel real bad for the Madison Avenue executives, who have lived off the $43 million ad campaign for all this time. What will they do now? I guess they'll have to be creative. Why, as you read this, they could be hard at work on a substitute that will keep them in Jaguars for another several years.

Perhaps they should be advised to forgo yet another smoking animal cartoon. (Although, smoking can't hurt a cartoon character--except if he upsets the FTC.) Better for them to concentrate on what they have in hand. Everyone is about as familiar with Joe as they are with Mickey Mouse, thanks to all the publicity.

Suppose Joe Camel were to cough up his cigarette? He could repent of his evil habits. Just think of all the ways he could be used..at a tidy profit, of course.

How about bottled water?? No self-respecting Gen-Xer would be seen dead without a bottle of designer water. Think of it--a camel as a mascot for quenching your thirst. Brilliant!!

Or, Joe could be a wiz at doing homework on a computer. That's a pitch that would appeal to educators and to the computer industry.

Any car company would love to have him as a spokesman. He would be convincing in proving that the auto could beat him easily in a race. But, hey, nice guys don't mind finishing last.

Joe could exploit the desires of millions of us who say that they are unhappy with both major political factions. He could be the representative figure of a third party, ready to mix it up with the donkey and the elephant.

One thing, though... "Camel" as a surname just won't do. It should, rather, be Camellia. Yes, that's it. Change him into a woman. It would give him--her--a softer look. Shave him and apply lipstick. Above all, lose the phallic nose. Yes, indeed, Josephine Camellia could have a long life, after giving up smoking.